Lesbian Speed Dating?

Speed Dating for 40+/year-old Lesbians? Isn't all of this a simple oxymoron? I mean, MOST over-40 lesbians don't do anything speedy, except for drive. And even then, with our doggies, adopted, shared, and birthed children on board our Subaru wagons, the 'speeding' really is just what's in our minds, right? Subarus really aren't noted for their velocity, after all.

So my buddy, Terry does this Over-40 Lesbian Speed Dating. The name alone is a bit of a red flag, right? Okay, so it's scheduled for the Day of Love: Valentine's Day. Ooooo, cupid's in the air! Arrows flying, chocolate, oysters, and lube. Maybe there's something to be said for planning this on such a fabulously love-ly day.

Starts at 4:00pm. 4 o'clock in the AFTERNOON! What date, other than coffee or sex actually begins at 4pm? Oh, my. Lesbians and our early evenings. Stay tuned.

She arrives at the appropriate early bird hour, ready to do the number, card, 3-minute Q & A and hopefully meet up with some chix. A dance is scheduled to follow, so there's great potential for her to write down a few numbers (you know, it's all anonymous, each person's known by their positive integer only) and jig a bit with the lovelies afterward.

Terry's plan and the Coordinator's --we'll call her Coorda -- ideals do not mesh. Lesbians being lesbians and all, Coorda gathers the group of 60-70 dykes together and directs them to gather in two circles, one inner, one outer (like opposing games of duck-duck-goose or a slowed, lesbian, not-very-fun version of the Virginia Reel) and decides to steer this Lesbian Speed Dating vehicle onto the road of Everyone Feels O.K. Way. See where this is going?

Coorda says, Gaze into the eyes of the woman opposite you. Hold it for at least a minute.
What? Okay. I'll let this go.
Now, Coorda says, hold the hand, shake the hand, hug, or place your hands on the shoulders of the woman in front of you. Feel the connection. We're all nervous, she says, so let's all ease into this discomfort and share the energy. Keep gazing. No speaking! This is all about our energy not our voices. Let our breath, our touch, our energy be our speech!

omg. lesbians and energy. I digress. Did I mention that there is no alcohol served at this sunset special? By this time I'd be fermenting fruit in my coat pocket if I could.

Coorda then directs the group to release hands or hugs or breast holds. Inner circle, she says, turn your back to the outer group. How do you think this makes your partner in the outer group feel now that you've directed your attention away from her? Turn back and face her, now outer group you turn your back to the inner group. Do we all feel the discomfort? The sense of being shunned or ignored? Coorda directs them to face each other again, then Terry's circle rotates one-step right and the whole thing repeats. After a while, which is "about an eternity too long," my buddy says, Coorda directs the group again. Let's all take a deep breath and release all those toxic insensitivities, she says. Let's shake out our nervousness and have a peacefully good time, Thank Goddess.

Terry rolled her eyes and muttered to her inner circle elbow mate, "this is so screwy." At the least. Touchy-feely? Sensitive to each others' feelings and needs? Grounding? Breathing?

Come on. It's Speed Dating! It's all about first impressions in 3 minutes. You've either got good breath or bad breath. Your number is marked on a 3x5 card or not. Move on. Someone might like you or not. Everyone should be nervous and sweaty palmed. But hugging, holding hands, breathing deeply? Come on. It's Speed Dating. It's Shallow Hal and all about picking and choosing, like tomatoes, autumn leaves, or scraps of ribbon. You either want it in that moment or you don't.

When the Official Speed Dating finally commenced -- btw, the venue was too small for the number of women who showed up: not enough chairs/tables -- it wasn't a one-on-one deal, 3 minutes, talk, leave. It was a group of three women, much like a panel who sat on the outside and fired off questions to the passing babes. That's not an uncomfortable feeling, getting interviewed by a small posse of women.
However, it wasn't a dialogue. Oh no. Coorda kept hollering over the excited women There's No Talking! Give only One-Word answers! If you're asked what you do for a living, like you work for UPS, then you say "Driver," and that's all.

Again, Terry rolled her eyes. Fuck that, she said to her two other panelists, we'll call them L and T, who Terry did not know prior to this event.
Down the circle way, two women got up and left. On the way out the door one said to the other, "This blows." Even 40+ lesbians know when something like overly controlled Speed Dating is lame.
The single-word dialogue was not working for Coorda, though. The women were talking, laughing, having a good time.

After about 15 minutes, the conversations rumbled to a small, multi-worded din and Coorda couldn't yell over the voices to get the women to rotate right. She solved that problem by throwing a two-foot piece of chain onto the stage. The contented crowd silenced from the thundering clatter. Coorda hollered, One-word conversations only! Now, switch!
No gentle bell tinkling. No four-toned wind chime or wooden train whistle. A chain. Coorda used a chain to lasso their peri-menopausal attention. The same kind of linkage used to lock up 8-foot fences or tithe trailers to semi-trucks.

The afternoon-evening continued like this, the pleasantly hurled chain marked the time to rotate to the next panel of interviewers. A cluster of three to four women side-step in front of Terry, L and T. T asks a question of the cluster. Each woman answers. L asks a question. Each woman answers. Terry gets to ask a question. Each woman answers. The chain is thrown down. Time's up! Rotate right and the next clump of women saddles up. T questions, gaggle answers, L questions, the blob answers -individually, of course - and Terry questions, the lump responds. Metal pounds the hollow wooden stage. Rotate!

By the second hour, Terry's panel mates began to change their occupations and residences. Not out of spite, moreso because it meant that they weren't following Coorda's litany of lesbian speed dating rules. These rule-breakers were admonished; Coorda lurked around Terry's panel as they frequently broke out into laughter and allowed the passers by to give three-word responses, such as, 'I am tall,' or 'I like movies.' They were frequently chastised: One Word ONLY. Terry was raised in Catholic schools. This was not unfamiliar.

Alas, Terry wrote down only a few numbers of passing women, since the one-word, panel-interview session didn't allow for much exchange of a person's first impression opportunity.

The Chain was thrown three times, not unlike when a whistle is tooted three times when we're lost in the wilderness. Here it meant to stop this fabulous Speed Dating opportunity. Chain drags again off the floor, it is about 10 pounds, after all, and thrown down again. It's time for a short break, Coorda declares. Terry scoots off to the restroom.

When she returns, the inner circle is no longer in the room -- they've been sequestered elsewhere -- and the outer circle remains. However, the roundish formation is gone. It's now a free-for-all, essentially everyone's in a big crowded, elbow-bumping gaggle, with the notion that the specific circles can now intertwine with their own. Women are just yelling out random questions and anyone can answer from anywhere in the room. Good luck getting her number.
They were finished by 7:00pm: just in time for the dance to start (and finish by 10pm when everyone could go home and cuddle up!). Cards lableled with the interviewers own headlining number and noted desired numbers were thrown into a box.

Terry and I are going to create our own, not-just-single-word- answer Lesbian Speed Dating opportunities. We may throw in some patchouli oil deep breathing exercises just to let everyone feel comfortable, in the event they enjoyed Coorda's techniques. However, our plan is to actually do a real 3-minute speed dating thing without all the Lesbian Processing of Feelings and Emotions.

I'll post more here when this launches.
-BBH