See Through

To look into the eye, straight into the eye, what does one see?

The iris, that multi-hued perimeter that tells us, 'Oh, she's got sky blue eyes!' Or, do we notice the white with the veiny redness that demonstrates dry eye or fatigue or allergies, or, in some cases, a blown vessel? How about those lashes, long like spider legs or short serving a minimal purpose of keeping crud out? Are they dark and mysterious or lighter and accentuating to the brow, mascara'd or plain?
What about the pupil all roundish, black, peppercorn or marble-sized?

Or, do we not notice the physical structure at all and simply go for the metaphysical aspect? For example, the 'I can tell by your eyes you're lying.' Or, 'You look straight into my soul when you look at me.' Or, 'When our eyes meet, I feel loved.'

It's interesting to ponder -- the physical versus the emotional and impalpable sensory.

I've a bit of focus, no pun intended, on this right now. Just got off the phone with my ophthalmologist/surgeon who suggested that I exist nearly a month without my contacts prior to the first, upcoming surgery. This is due, in part, to my contact lenses and how they tend to misshape the eyes. Also, since I'm prone to constant retinal disease -- even post-surgically -- my eyes are constantly altering themselves. Yea, despite two full days of measurements and drops, I get to have one more pleasurable day of dark rooms and funky machinery! Yea for me!!

The irony is profound: I'm rather smart. That is, I know a lot of stuff and can appropriately apply most of the arbitrary information to something, be it Jeopardy!, cocktail party conversation, or just random spewing among friends. However, when I was recently in the situation of wearing my thick, Coke-bottley glasses for a week, people not only treated and looked at me differently, they spoke to me differently. Yes, truly as if I were, say a Special Olympics candidate. Kind of cracked me up, actually, especially after I was given the slow, albeit slightly louder (because when there's one impairment, then deafness MUST also be a factor, too) commentary or offer.
"DO YOU NEED HELP CARRYING THIS OUT TO THE BUS STOP?!!" Yes, in nearly yelling tone, hence the uppercase lettering.
"IT'S NICE THAT YOU HAVE A JOB. WHAT DO THEY LET YOU DO THERE?" Someone actually asked if I help with copying or stuffing envelopes. No lie.

So, as I've said before, I am special. Very special, indeed.

The surg. is fast coming down the pipe. There's a bit of concern by my surgeon because of my severe myopia, but she's confident that, given no complications, a new lens will work out well for me. Again, even today, no promises on the double vision. "Let's just cross one bridge at a time," she said today. Hmmm. Okay.

I have to admit, as I've said before, I have a strange nervousness about this. It's not that eye surgeries aren't done all the time. I know that. And I know that most have no complications. Criminy Sakes, I'm rather healthy so, if you ask me, I'm a good candidate for any sort of procedure. It's just an irrational unease, not quite worry, just ill-at-ease.

Yes, I know the odds are in my favor. Yea yea yea. It's hard to explain and paradoxically, despite all the words in my head, I've very few here on this sensation: Somewhere between a tightrope and an imbalanced stair step. That is, very unsettling and not quite well-footed. Wearing my glasses for a month doesn't help me feel better about any of it either. Don't ask why, it just doesn't.

Trust, I suppose is a major key. When entering such an unknown territory - no matter what it involves (new job, conversation, a date, an exam, a confrontation, a food that many enjoy but looks like vomit) - there's always a bit of dis-ease, uneasiness, an ill-at-ease feeling. To assuage this, there needs to be a release of the guard and a flow of trust. Back to the ole, Breathe and Release. Not unlike Superman, but slightly skewed I beleve we, or I must see through the walls and Trust.

So, when I look into my eye, when I look at my contact lens floating around, what do I see? Do I see nervousness or plastic? Do I see four eyes or hope? Is there a window in or a reflection out?

When I look deep or when you look deep - far beyond just the sleepy bags and the allergy soreness, what do you see? What do you want to see? What do we see in and through the lens of our mind's eye or the eye that leads to and from our heart soul?

Clarity? Hope. Trust.